Annoying, Exhausting and Completely Intoxicating
by Naraku-sensei
Summary: About Sanji and Zoro's strange and violent relationship. ShounenaiYaoiSlash, SanxZo, I have no idea how many chapters.
1. Prologue

A/N: Alright, I'm moving on to One Piece, I've wanted to do this fic for a looong time. I completely fell for this pairing. Constructive criticism is warmly welcome. Also, bear in mind that I don't speak native english, so the writing may be a bit... incorrect. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

* * *

It had started soon after Luffy D. Monkey showed up in his life and demanded he became the cook of his pirate crew. He had, of course, refused for the sake of the Baratie, but soon he realized that the boy with the straw hat didn't take no for an answer.

He'd thought that the young captain was a complete no-name goof who posed as a pirate. He had no intention to join the boy's crew. He had no reason, either. So he went back to serving the guests of the restaurant, on a lookout for true female beauties to spice up his life.

Then he saw Nami. Her fiery hair and bubbling laugh. He was stunned. How on earth did that Luffy manage to get a woman like _her _to join his crew? Being the number one love-cook in East Blue, he naturally _had _to tell Nami of his newborn love.

And _then _he saw Zoro.

His eyes wandered from the proud face to the tanned streak of skin that was visible from under his shirt. He also took note of the three swords attached to the man's waist and the muscular, strong arms. The cook's gaze had wandered back to the man's neck and he had wondered what the bronze skin tasted like. He remembered thinking that a sex god had just landed before him.

That was, until the idiot started talking.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	2. Unreasonable

A/N: First I was inspirated, then I was excited and then I was quite sure it's horrible. I'm posting it anyways, because this is how things happened and I don't think I'll be coming up with anything better in the next forty centuries.

I can't write. I wonder why the hell I keep trying.

* * *

In the chain of events that followed Luffy's arrival, Sanji was too preoccupied with trying to keep himself in one piece rather than thinking about the stupid swordsman. Well, maybe he almost wet himself while watching Zoro's duel with Mihawk, but that was a separate issue. A minor event. The cook was pretty sure the idiot was going to die then, and the bitter feeling of disappointment he'd felt bothered him for weeks. 

He still wasn't sure if joining Luffy's crew had been such a good idea. He had to put up with the dumbness of three, grown-up (well, almost) men - who, frankly, didn't even have an excuse for their idiocy. Sanji was very afraid of its obvious contagiousness - just look at Chopper for proof.

But aside from Luffy's neverending craving for meat and Usopp's blatant, stupid lies the one thing that made Sanji twitch, shake and growl with more fury and frustration needed for making the Pirate King himself cower in fear was that DAMNED asshole.

Roronoa Zoro.

Just hearing that very name made Sanji's eyebrow twitch in a most unfashionate way.

He made Sanji twitch in other places too, but that's an entirely different issue.

Oh, how many times had Sanji just wished he could wring the swordsman's neck and then cook his brains for dinner.

Oh, how many times he was on the verge of barbequeing the creep's balls as well.

Four hundred seventy-three and a half.

He'd counted.

Not that he cared, or anything. He just liked sound of Zoro's skin, bones and muscles scrunching together painfully while being crushed by Sanji's shoe. He'd taken notice of Zoro's opinion to the matter - but it wasn't like it really meant anything. Sanji reasoned that his own attitude on the whole thing was perfectly justified as payback for Zoro's...

... Zoro's...

... There just aren't words for his stunning unreasonability.

"Oi, love-cook", he had said, looking moderately pissed.

"Whaddya want, asshole?" Sanji had replied while stirring his cookings.

There had been a slight pause as Zoro tried to choose the right words from his vocabulary. Sanji feared the baka's brain wasn't large enough for such an operation.

And he was quite right, because he heard the clatter of his tool landing on the floor and felt the wall hitting his back and he saw and felt and _smelled _the swordsman pinning him.

After his initial shock, he would've been shouting insults at the tanned man, but his surprise had no time to subside as Zoro was _just too close. _

Sanji thought he felt lips brushing his ear and he heard how the swordsman said something; accurate words placed perfectly that just slurred and mixed and disappeared in his clouded mind.

And then he was gone, and the galley door was opened and closed and Sanji's perfectly delicious soup was burnt and ruined.


	3. Incomprehensible

He was annoyed. Annoyed as hell.

He hadn't had a good night's sleep in about two weeks now, and it was all the stupid asshole's fault.

Nami kept complaining about how he was constantly forgetting her afternoon tea. He had to sincerely apologize thrice a day about something to her. Everytime he forgot, he felt like he was intentionally slapping her in the face.

And whose fault was that.

It was another restless night for Sanji. No matter how much he shifted and turned and counted sheep, he just couldn't sleep. Just as how he couldn't concentrate on making the best food possible and catering to Nami-swan's every need. And it was driving him crazy.

The cook got up, mumbling curses under his breath and walked out of the door, to the deck. It was a cool, windless night. There were no clouds on the sky, just bright stars.

He sat down, leaning his back on the wall and dug up a cigarette from his pocket. After placing it between his lips, he realized that he didn't have a light.

For a split second, he felt a huge urge to cry.

"God damnit", he whispered, rubbing his temple with a delicate hand. "What the fuck am I doing?"

"I was just about to ask the same thing", replied a low voice.

Sanji didn't even bother to look up, knowing exactly who stood there.

"You", he said with a raspy voice, "fuck off. I don't want to see your stupid face right now."

He didn't expect for the marimo head to go away anyway. He didn't have enough considerate human feelings for that. Must be the training. Maybe he had hit himself in the head with a weight or something. That was the only reasonable explanation for the idiot's stupidity.

Thump.

Something hard landed on his lap.

A lighter.

"... what the fuck, marimo?"

"You act like you've got a spatula stuck up your ass when you haven't been smoking."

"Self-protection, huh."

He lit the cigarette and inhaled the heavenly smoke.

"Arigato gozaimasu, Kami-sama", Sanji muttered.

"You're welcome", Zoro replied. Heavy footsteps and a swing of a door followed. The marimo went back in.

Outside, the cook chuckled to himself.

"Annoying bastard."

He slept well that night.


	4. Unnerving

A/N: Woo, here we go! Finally, chapter three! And the plot thickens... or more likely, the plot is _born. _XD I kept ya waiting, but this one was pretty much longer than an average chapter, and it's starting to get a bit deeper. This part actually doesn't fit in with the first chapters, but that's just fine. It'll make the set unique, lol. This one actually divides to three parts, titled _The Attack, Exchange _and _Talk. _In my head. I wasn't sure if I should post _The Attack, _since it kind of messes with the narration. BUT I STICKED IT IN ANYWAY.

Lol, enjoy.

* * *

_Whoosh._

There was a blur of orange and yellow and a low "ouch" as the blonde cook of the Going Merry tossed a pile of vegetables at Zoro.

"What the hell", the swordsman snarled as he stared at the carrots and swedes he'd just been wronged by. A small knife flew at him from the same direction the veggies had come from and with a small _thunk _embedded into the wood of the ship's railing. Zoro stared at the man suddenly attacking him with rage written all over his face.

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, ERO-COOK?! Are you trying to kill me?!"

"Pfft, like a hard-headed moron like you would die from such a small blade. You've been slacking off an awful lot lately though, so your magical swordman powers might have disappeared. Or?"

Zoro gasped for breath like a fish out of water. What is with the sudden venomous behaviour of the blond? Had he done something to piss him off? As far as he'd been concerned, he hadn't done anything out of the ordinary lately. Or left something ordinary undone.

"Once you're done panting please get to work", Sanji said, more so _spat _out of his mouth and just coolly turned around and walked back towards the galley.

"OI! Why do I have to peel the rabbit food?!" Zoro desperately shouted. Sanji's suede figure kept moving and he only slightly turned his head to exclaim: "I figured they'd go well with marimo."

It would've been a giant underestimation to say that Zoro was pissed. In fact, he was more than blazing. He was a swirling inferno of wrath at the moment. And all his rage was perfectly justified. For a certain asswipe of a cook had been bothering him all day with the stupidest of errands. As if peeling the vegetables, mopping the deck, fixing the troublesome plumbing problem that he had NO requirement of having knowledge about weren't enough, he had now been assigned to gathering supplies also.

And not any luxurious groceries bought from a port, either. Oh no. Roronoa Zoro was, by the commandment of the kitchen dictator Sanji, FISHING. Without a rod. Practically, that meant that he had to dive into the sea, kill a squid with his swords that were RUSTING by the minute, and then be pulled up by a rope tied around his waist. And as if this wasn't humiliating itself, he would also then be scolded by Sanji for bringing up such a skinny and ugly creature and then forced to repeat the process numerous times.

For the fifth time, Usopp, Chopper and Luffy heaved him up with great effort and he shoved a big, mean and ugly tortoise into the blond's face.

"That's it", he said between angry panting, "I'm not doing this anymore. I don't give a fuck if it's too scrawny for your taste, either we're eating this or the railing."

For a few seconds, only the heavy breathing of the swordsman split the air. Then the dead green animal was taken from his outstretched arm to be scrutinized by the lazy eye of the cook.

"I suppose this could suffice", he said lazily and with slow, smooth steps disappeared from the deck. Zoro let out a sigh of relief.

"Next you're fixing the railing", Sanji's shout was more aggravating than anything he'd heard in his life.

_Whack. Whack. Whack. _

"I wonder why the hell I'm even doing this", Zoro said with two nails between his _teeth. _

"I've been pondering on the same thing", came a voice draped in amusement from behind him.

"Go away, woman", the green-haired man simply stated. He wasn't in the mood to deal with the thief right now.

"Sanji's being awfully sweet, considering such small damage so seriously", Nami said merrily, ignoring Zoro's comment.

"He's being an asshole without any reason", he mumbled back. The orange-haired woman giggled.

"Then why are you doing every little thing he tells you to?"

The hammer paused in the air. Nami couldn't see the man's expression but she knew she'd struck a point. Letting out a false sigh, she sat on the railing next to the part Zoro had been fixing for some good time now.

"Honestly, you guys are hopeless. You don't get each other at all, but still you somehow manage to get troubled over the same thing."

Zoro still said nothing, so Nami pressed on.

"It's strange enough that Sanji is suddenly giving the strangest jobs to you, but against your idiotic nature you seemed to grasp the situation here. Of course, only subconciously, which makes you still a total buffoon. I mean really, who would be such a complete baka and a blockhead of a - "

A vein popped on Zoro's forehead.

" - a zero with relationships - "

His eyebrow started to twitch.

" - no empathy whatsoever - "

His jaw settled to a grim line, teeth pressing together violently.

" - no capability of realizing the situation at hand - "

"URUSEI!"

The hammer dropped on the deck and Zoro was suddenly on his feet. He stood there, the image of anger. Surprisingly, after a few moments, he just stomped away.

Nami's lips curled in a little smile.

TBC...


	5. Stubborn

A/N: Woohoo, here we go! The secret of why Sanji is bossing Zoro so bad will soon be revealed... and meanwhile, Zoro is going insane! (And he'll surely drive Sanji insane too. Cough.)

Mini-glossary:

Sake - A type of rice alcohol

Sandai Kitetsu – "Demon blade number 3", Zoro's second katana

Kuso – Shit/damn, a swear word

Marimo – Green coral-type of thing

* * *

The cool water felt great on his burning torso. The sea embraced his salty skin and washed away the sticky, hot sweat caused by his massive workout. He ducked his head under the surface and thoroughly ruffled his hair, purifying his scalp. With a gasp for air, he headed for the rope ladder, the water already starting to feel a little too cold. 

He climbed up, bringing a puddle of saltwater to the deck. Ignoring the wet footmarks he was leaving, he padded to the galley, thinking about a nice midnight snack.

... and he should reconsider that thought, seeing as how there was a snoring Luffy attached to the refrigerator. _Hell with it, _Zoro muttered in his head and headed for the alcoholic beverages department. He grinned to himself, thinking about a long hard drink of some good sake after a hard workout - and shuddered, his mind's eye jotting down incredible detail of how the liquid would swivel in his throat and... ah, he was almost drooling. He hastily grabbed the door's handle and pulled swiftly.

The door didn't budge.

He had an iron grip on the handle of the wooden door - but it wouldn't open. He pulled harder, making the door creak slightly - but it still wouldn't open.

"Nbyehgoo", Luffy groaned from the other side of the room. The upside-down comicalness of the situation was starting to piss Zoro off. Why was the door rebelling against him? They used to be in good terms!

"Damned traitor", Zoro cursed darkly and unsheathed Sandai Kitetsu.

"What the hell, marimo?!"

Zoro didn't have to look to know that the blond cook was there.

"Having my vengeance", the swordsman replied.

"... on a door."

"It wouldn't open!"

"Damn right it wouldn't", Sanji said venomously. "I'm sick of you devouring all the booze."

Zoro's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"What did you do, kuso-cook?"

"Nothing big", Sanji drawled lazily. "But you're not hogging the bottles." With that said, the cook turned on his heels and headed out.

Or so he would've done, if a certain alcohol-deprived musclehead wouldn't have gotten another good idea.

Once again he found himself pinned to the wall without knowing how, Zoro's dark murderer eyes level with his - the swordsman's mouth pressing down on Sanji's lips, his mouth raked by the taller man - the scent of metal and salt and his warmth was EVERYWHERE -

The cook shoved him off roughly.

"What the hell?!"

He wiped his mouth with his sleeve and stared at the marimo in a fury.

"You can't just do whatever you want!"

The only response he got was a grim smile before Zoro calmly left the galley.

Hell, the man was crazy.

"Ahhoooo", Luffy croaked in his sleep.

* * *

A/N: "Ahou" means idiot in japanese. :D 

I don't even know if they have a refrigerator. XD Oh well!


	6. Irresistible

A/N: 1135 WORDS! Yarrr, bitches! Okay, so, this COULD be kind of confusing, since, well, these guys are no good at talking. O.O Seriously, I _tried _to convince them to smooth it out instead of MAKING out, but... dramatic sigh So, well, basically, in this chapter... they only managed to complicate things. XD Well at least --- oh wait, I'm not gonna spoil it. Enjoy!

And Geuna, thanks for the correction :x In my retarded finnishness I actually thought you spell it that way. cough This is kinda embrassing...

Mini-glossary:

Ginga - Ginga Nagareboshi Gin or Ginga Densetsu Weed, they're manga/anime where the main characters are dogs.

Konbanwa - Good evening

Oyasumi (nasai) - (Very) Good night

Seppuku - Ritual suicide

Oi - Hey

Daijoubu ka? - Are you alright?

* * *

In times like these, liquor was definetly the best friend of a man. Beats dogs anyday. Hell, dogs can't make you forget all of your problems and fall into a comfortable, simple feeling of giddyness. Unless you're a tiny fangirl of Ginga - but that's another story. 

This, of course, was NOT Sanji's means of self-justification. He was too confused, stressed and desperate to require such things. His distress was visible not only in his actions, but his choice of beverage - he usually didn't sink to the level the cheap alcohol embodied. But, this was a special occasion. The world didn't turn upside down everyday. Sanji's head didn't almost explode from thinking too much everyday. First mates didn't harass their ship's cooks everyday - not on Going Merry. Well... at least that's how it used to be. In merely a week's time -

Sanji chugged down more of the burning drink. Obviously he wasn't drunk enough, if he was still thinking about that.

_Way to go_, he mused to himself. _Really mature. Drinking away your problems._

He walked out of the galley and drew a cigarette from the folds of his jacket. Lighting it up proved to be slightly more difficult, so he sat on the deck, leaning to the wooden wall behind him and tried again. His lighter flicked the silent cancer stick to life and he took a deep, sweet drag of heavenly smoke.

"Konbanwa", cooed a familiar voice. Sanji looked up to see Nami casually walking towards him.

"Oh, konbanwa, Nami-san", he replied politely, "what are you doing up so late?"

"Nothing, just taking a little evening stroll", she said and winked saucily. Sanji's heart would've leaped if it wasn't too heavy to begin with.

"What about you, Sanji-kun? Drinking your troubles away?"

Sanji snorted.

"You could say that."

"Has Zoro been bothering you?"

The cook's eyes snapped wide open, staring at her. Nami just giggled at the obvious reaction.

"Oh, poor Sanji... having to drink your distress away."

_Great, I'm so pitiful that even Nami-san feels bad._

"You know... I bet Zoro's got himself as confused as you. You two should talk it out... it's nasty to be FIGHTING for so long."

Nami figured the man was drunk enough for her to make overly large emphasises without him noticing. And she was right.

"Uh, yeah, you're right. We... shouldn't fight. It's bad for the crew!"

Nami smiled and fought back the huge urge of patting the blond on the head. Instead she turned and started walking away, lazily waving her hand.

"Oyasumi nasai, Sanji-kun."

"Oyasumi", Sanji mumbled and lit another cigarette.

"Well? Go get him, tiger."

Zoro merely stared at the woman.

"If I wanted to die, I would simply commit seppuku."

Nami rolled her eyes.

"You can't keep running forever. What are you, a man or a mouse?"

A vein twitched on the swordsman's forehead.

"Anyway, I'm going to sleep. You boys and your problems are so tiresome", Nami said and retreated with an exaggarated yawn.

He was smoking his fifth cigarette when he heard Zoro enter his kingdom of dizziness. He didn't even bother lifting his eyes up to see the marimo, immedietly recognizing the heavy thump of his boots.

"What do you want, shitty swordsman?"

Hadn't he been so pleasantly dreamy at the moment, he'd been mad as hell. All that booze that tasted like shit - and then the thing he wanted away from magically appears?

Zoro didn't answer, just sat next to the cook and took a dram.

"So you're allowed to drink, but I'm not?"

"You drink too much", Sanji drawled lazily, hoping the marimo would just go away.

"Yeah, you're a freaking absolutist", Zoro snorted and continued to devour the drink.

Sanji tossed the done-for cigarette over the railing. They sat in awkward silence as the green-haired man downed the liquor and threw the empty bottle into the sea as well. He glanced at the cook who had bowed his head down in an uncomfortable-looking position.

"Oi, daijoubu ka?" Zoro placed a hand on the blond's shoulder but it was promptly slapped away. Sanji doubled over and there was a muffled "umph". Zoro's eyes widened. He grabbed the human heap and dragged it over to the railing, holding the cook so that his upper body leaned on the edge. He was just in time as Sanji threw up, shaking violently as Zoro brushed blonde hair out of the way. The cook coughed and tried rebelling out of the other man's grip but then went suddenly limp.

"Oi", Zoro barked, trying to hold him up.

"Go ahead and try kissing me now, bastard", Sanji said and gave the other man a weak push.

"Oh yeah? Maybe I'll do something else." With that said, Zoro hawked his head down and started sucking on the cook's neck.

"F-fuck! Get off!"

"Sure", Zoro commented and pressed his palms against the small of Sanji's back, closing the gap between them. With every nibble and lick the cook's resistance lessened, eventually disappearing and changing into muffled yelps and moans that made it difficult for Zoro to control himself. He let his hands roam all over the slowly responding chef and felt Sanji's hands on his biceps, sliding off his neck and down his back. Zoro lifted his head and stared the other man. In his only visible eye, there was the same gleam of lust that was undeniably evident in his own eyes.

In a rough fashion, Zoro claimed Sanji's mouth and to his delight felt the cook reply with the same passion. Unable to hold it back anymore, Zoro broke the kiss and let out a deep moan, only to have himself pulled back by the collar. He started fumbling with the buttons of Sanji's jacket, trying hard to focus while he was being devoured by the blond. Finally he managed the open the troublesome piece of clothing and he slid it off Sanji's body, forcing his hands back. The cook lifted his jaw up, gasping for breath so Zoro assaulted his neck again. The black jacket fell on the ground and Sanji's hands were freed. Zoro started sliding his hand under the fabric of Sanji's shirt. His skin was warm ... the samurai wanted to claim every centimeter of it.

"Not here", Sanji desperately murmured under the green-haired man's attack.

"It's a little too late for that", Zoro panted.

"Hell, Zoro! Not here!"

Zoro complied hesitantly, looked around for a bit and locked his gaze on the nearby galley door.

The two men stumbled into the galley, all the time glued to each other. Inside, the swordsman shoved Sanji against the wall and tore his shirt off, almost ripping it.

"Watch it", Sanji growled but was quickly silenced by Zoro's lips.

The cook pushed him back to stare at him levelly.

Then he started unbuckling his belt.

* * *

Anyone catch the reference: D

A/N: Okay, well, this is where all the hardcore fangirls go: "WHERE IS OUR SMUT?" And to that I say... c'mon guys, a little privacy o.o I feel dirty enough for the implications. Plus, I really have no idea how much you can stuff under the T rating. (Actually it would've just been a pain with all the body parts 'n stuff...) COUGH Lookit that!! Flying dango!

By the way, I kinda like reviews. :3


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